I was reflecting on feeling lonely this week. I realized as I met with a friend of mine for lunch on Saturday and she asked me how I am doing I went through a series of things or activities that I am performing now that I am healthier reflecting back on when I couldn’t perform household tasks or chores and how good it felt to become more self-sufficient again. I didn’t bother to mention how though I was appreciative of this independence, I spend much of my day by myself performing tasks I need to do to take care of myself without much contact with people, removed from the work world and how this leaves me feeling quite lonely.
When I got sick again last summer, I had to cancel my life plans at the time which were my big move to Bucaramanga, Colombia where I was to teach 1st grade. I was so excited for this adventure and it was to be my adventure, independent of any relationship and a chance to find out more about myself free from the comforts and known lifestyle I had created in America. I was so excited. It was devastating to say the least when my doctor told me that under no terms would it be rational or advisable that I park myself in a foreign country when I described the list of symptoms I was having as I painfully sat on the toilet. From that point I abandoned life in the get up and go lane and retreated to my friend’s house for a full year of rest and recuperation.
Nestled in the woods of Baltimore County, it was me, the big trees, the birds outside and a very friendly companion of a bird Woodie who I got to spend my days with. Aside from the rustle of the leaves of the trees, the scattering of wildlife there was nothing to tell me there was life outside my doors. I was all too happy when my friend would return home from work, eager to hear of her day with not much to share that I thought of relevance to her. It was there and then that loneliness first settled into my mind and I discovered how much healing is such a lonely road we walk.
I mean it really is true that you and you alone are in your body and no one, no matter how good their intention and effort can be in your body and mind for you. Healing is a personal journey to take that can be incredibly lonely especially when your physical environment is also sparse with movement and life’s daily interactions we take for granted when we are removed from these spaces. Since the days in the woods, I have moved now to Arizona where I now live with my boyfriend. My days are spent with a new family of birds, much different in look and sound to those of Baltimore, and without the companionship of Woodie whom I truly miss.
